A Means To An End

Today is my grandmother's funeral. I could not be there but I've been thinking about my family all day. I wish I could be there for them. As my mom requested, I wore black clothes today. I hope all is fine with her. And I know it will be.

I thank all my friends here who supported me as always. It was also very nice of my co-workers to send me their condolences. They even got me some very delicate orchids.

Dead Meat

In the animation futurama, when Professor Farnsworth was saying goodbye to everyone because he thought he was going to die, Bender said, "Life goes on.... except for you! HAHAHA!"

While the joke is cruel (and funny), I hope the same can apply to Kenneth "Kenny Boy" Lay. Right-wing freaks thought it is some left-wing bullshit when people suggest Ken Lay did not die of natural causes, or maybe even faking his death. While there is no evidence to prove so, but the circumstances (the timing, the aftermath...) of his death is very suspicious.

Today, a banker related to Enron's case was found dead in the UK. Things only get fishier....

Because Ken Lay is dead, all these dumb fucks have been saying "good things" about him. For example, Bush called him a "generous man". What the fuck, Ken Lay's a douchebag, a white collar con man. He was generous? He was like the reversal of Robin Hood. He robbed the public and spread the money among the privileged. Stop the bullshit with me about Lay not getting a fair trail because of all the public opinion. What he actually DID has something to do with how much of an ass face people think he was. Now he's dead and every hypocrite (who pretended not to know him) and accomplice has something nice to say. Oh, please. When Ronald Reagan diead, people were talking about how great a president he was. I was like, "What??" Did they remember what he did? Or everyone just has Alzheimer's like him?

I am not going to say something good about some assholes just because they are dead. Their state of existence has nothing to do with their deed or character. On the other hand, my grandmother died recently. She was a great woman. She lived a respectable and honest life and she will be remembered for who she was. Her being alive or dead does not change the way I feel about her.

My Five-Day Dog Bless America Holiday Weekend

Fourth of July gave me a 5-day weekend because I took Friday off to watch Italy kicking Ukarine's ass. Thanks to this long weekend, I am able to watch all the games LIVE. So I went to Wal-Mart Sunday and returned the piece of crap VCR which cost me 40 bucks. It feels so good to rip off big companies(or just ripping off anybody?). That forty dollars could be used to buy Criterion Collection DVD of Yasujiro Ozu's "Floating Weeds". Ozu is one of the greatest and that Criterion cover looks really nice.

Speaking of Criterion Collection, I just bought Wong Kar-Wai's "In The Mood For Love" from deepdiscountdvd.com and I'm still waiting for it from the mail. I wanted to pick it for the weekly movie night I have with my friends. One of the stupid reasons I wanna pick it is because the film was partially shot in my hometown Macau. Another movie I wanna pick is Shohei Imamura's The Eel.

That's pretty much how my long weekend was spent. Movies and World Cup games. I watched "Hana-bi"(for the second time), "Shoot The Piano Player", "Loves of A Blonde", 'Lady Vengeance" (in theater), "Stolen Kisses" (second time), Dr. Strangelove... and I shall watch "The Fireman's Ball" before I go to bed.

I'm so happy Italy is going to the Final. All I can wish is Portugal will go through tomorrow. Italy vs. Portugal, my predicted showdown since the beginning, my dream matchup. But it would be a pain for me to choose which side to root for. But for now, Here's my World Cup 2006 Best 11:

GK Ricardo (Portugal)
DF Fabio Cannavaro (Italy)
DF Grosso (Italy)
DF Miguel (Portugal)
DF Lahm (Germany)
MF Pirlo (Italy)
MF David Beckham (England)
MF Luis Figo (Portugal)
MF Riquelme (Argentina)
MF Vieira (France)
FW Klose (Germany)

It's hard to choose between Portugal's Ricardo and Italy's Buffon. Both of them have been great but I chose Ricardo because he does not have Cannavaro to help him on defense. I don't like Beckham, but I have to give him credit for lifting the English team. I only picked one forward because none of them had great performance. Afterall, this World Cup has the least goals in the history of the game.

nowhere man

I hate to break this here (and there're not really people reading this shit), but I'm no good in telling people shit about myself in person (pretty lame for a counselor) and I like to say shit when I feel shitty.The thing I want to say is -- I think I'll probably leave the States this year. There are a few reasons.

Well, the most obvious reason is that I need my working visa to stay but my employer does not seem to handle the matter with much enthusiasm. Couldn't blame them though, since I myself do not feel quite motivated to push anything. Why? I really don't know. Maybe I don't really care about anything.

What am I going to do? Probably go back to my home Macau, at least for a while. I really can't see myself staying there for long. As much as I love my family and home, I feel very alienated for a lot of reasons. So I think I will travel around. I don't have money, maybe I'll be like the Incredible Hulk without being angry and turning green.

I'm fine with leaving this country. There are probably a few things I like miss if I leave: my friends, my work, movies and live music. That's about it.

I think I've said this numerous times. I don't feel like belonging any where. As much as many people want to leave and move some where else, most people knows they always have to a place to fall back to. I don't. Not even my home, because it is not the same anymore, or I don't feel the same towards it.

Maybe I just don't know what to do with myself.

or with life.

Maybe that's why I don't feel very enthusiastic about pursuing anything.

nail clipper

I just spent 3 dollars for a nail clipper in CVS. It is such a rip off. A nail clipper is not worth that money. Plus, why the fuck is it so big? What kind of American toes or fingers are they for?

And it's not that sharp.

It just made me feel uncomfortable when I uses it.

Where the hell is my old clipper?

Jose + 10, Francisco + 10

I really like this adidas ad




This ad reminded me of my childhood when two persons took turns to pick a player for his team. I was always the quite last person to be picked when I was younger, probably because I was small and not very good (but hey, later one time the team I picked played pretty well).

Kids around the globe play the game the same way, and many of us imagine we could pick the great football stars we see on TV.

The ad connects with the audience because it makes our wildest dreams coming true (Jose and his friend even picked past legends Beckenbaur and Platini).

If I could pick 10 players to be on the team with me, I would choose:

Roberto Baggio (hey, my all-time favorite player)
Paolo Maldini (once the best defender in the world, another Italian)
Luis Figo (my favorite Portuguese player)
Eusebio (The Black Pearl, baby)
Diego Maradonna (my first soccer hero)
Vitor Baia (not the best goalkeeper, but always funny to watch)
Hidetoshi Nakata (my favorite Japanese midfielder)
Fabio Cannavaro (great hard-working defender)
Ronaldinho (currently the best)
Alessandro Nesta (another Italian defender I like a lot)

The song by RJD2 in the ad is wicked cool.

My Life Habit

Every winter, whinchats (a kind of bird) migrate from Asia or Europe to Africa during winter. It is a cycle for them, a habit which does not cease to exist. Every four years, my life is turned upside down for a month. I would deprive of sleep. I would miss school/work. I would be in a constant state of anticipation.

For every four years since I was eight, I dedicate my life to the great spectacle of the World Cup.

Something would be different for me this year, because it will be in the daytime for me (because I'm in the States and The World Cup is in Germany). Am I going to miss it? No. I have already asked for a day off on June 9 so that I could watch the opening match at home. Nothing is holy for Francisco Lo. This is probably as close as it gets.

Memorial Day

The weather was pretty nice yesterday on Memorial Day. So I went out to take some pictures around my neighborhood. Unfortunately, there are not a lot for me to shoot besides flowers in front of people’s homes (what else? 300-pound middle-aged man holding a beer?). Here are some of my pictures. Click on the pictures for a closer view.

I like the light in this one a lot:



Chessy ass picture with the flag:



I like this one:




Beautiful colors:

Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?

I'm very happy to receive the two hard to find 7 inch singles of Camera Obscura from the mail today (from Elefant Records in Spain, to be excat). Earlier through e-mails, Tracyanne (singer of the band) told me she was pretty certain they'll come to Houston this time. Yet I was quite disappointed when I couldn't find "Houston" on their upcoming U.S. tour schedule.

Camera Obscura is going to Dallas and Austin, but not Houston. Damn it, bands always do that to Houston. Skip Dallas, man... don't skip Houston. I'm pretty sure Houston has more music geeks (or thugs, for sure) and we're cooler town.

Anyway, I'll still go to Austin to see them. I missed the chance last time because some jerk crushed my car the weekend before Camera Obscura was playing at SXSW. You can say they are not the greatest band of all time, but their music is definitely beautiful. They have the perfect formula for indie-pop--- jangly guitar, delicate organ/piano, sweet and shy vocals. I'm currently enjoying the vinyl only b-side "I Can't Stay Mad At You" off their new single "Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken". Camera Obscura makes the kind of perfect pop that will melt the heart of its audience.

They are a lot more than a Belle & Sebastian-look-alike.

And there are a lot more Scottish bands I wanna see.

When will I see the Fannies?

Weekend at Austin

I spent my last weekend (5/13) in Austin. Overall, I had a good time. It was good to take a day off, which was a first for me in 2006. I spent most of my time hanging out with my sister and my friend Andy. I have not seen them both for quite a while.

After my sister's non-stop complaining of the length of my hair (from the time I stepped into her house), I asked Andy to cut my hair in order to keep her quiet. I still remember that days when I was still in college and Andy would cut the hair of me and our friends because we were cheap ass bastards. He always does a decent job (hey, it's free. I have no complaints). As much as I like Austin, it always reminds me of the past, for better and for worse. It is a melancholy feeling-- to think about the good memories that are gone. But more important is I treasure what I am and what I have now.

Seeing my sister in college reminded me that I am not that kid in college anymore. I am a much different person now. I recognized how much I have grown all these years. It is a good thing that I am not stuck in a stage whereas there is no growth or learning. I can't imagine (or accept) to live a life without learning and growing everyday. I hope I'll keep it up with myself.

I finally visited Waterloo Records. When I used to live in Austin, I never went there because 33 degrees (now closed) was right by my home (i didn't have a car) and 33 was a very independent/underground record store (the kind that you won't find Coldplay but definitely Acid Mother Temple). Anyway, Waterloo is kind of cool because they have a big ass collection of indie/rock vinyls and t-shirts. It was like a candy shop for me (not the kind of candy shop 50 Cent goes). All the money I saved by cooking at home was flushed down at waterloo after buying numerous records-- a couple Bob Dylan, be your own PET (imported from UK! hard to find), Entroducing...(which i longed to buy), Sea Change and more... I'm glad I'm not living in Austin anymore, or I'll go bankrupt soon.

White power my yellow ass

I can't stand the cable news channels anymore. I still found it funny and laughable for their redundance and ignorance, but the white supremacy, male supremacy and classist shit is totally getting into me. It's so annoying it just made me wanted to fight back more

One of these days, you gonna see me wearing a shirt saying "FUCK WHITE SUPREMACY".

Yes, you will.

Taking Control

While David Blaine was wasting the past week living his life in a bowl of water, I was trying to change some of my living habits. I can proudly say that I have cooked dinner for myself 7 out of the past 8 days (the only night I went out to eat was Cinco De Mayo). I know it is nothing big for a lot of people, but I'm glad that I am not eating out all the time anymore. Eating at home saves me quite a lot of money and the food outside is not always satisfactory anyway. I also feel productive and content about being able to take care of my duties outside of work. Besides, I did try to clean up my place, well, it's about only 60% done but it is a good step.

I'm longing for the June 6 release of Camera Obscura's new album "Let's Get Out Of This Country". I hope they will tour in the U.S., I mean HOUSTON TEXAS to be excat.

Los Angeles Rapists

A basketball team has 5 starters. In the Los Angeles Lakers, two of them are rapists. Kwame Brown, one of the biggest bust in the NBA, is now under investigation by the police department. Innocent until proven guilty? Who makes this kind of shit up?

Just one more reason to dislike the Lakers.

Speaking of innocence, Kobe was so innocent that he agreed to issue an apology to the victim for what he had done after they settle the case. Who would apologize for their actions if they really think they didn't do anything wrong? (hint: someone on the Lakers team)

I'll cheer for the Suns to beat the Lakers (even before all this Kwame Brown bullshit).

I'll even cheer for the Los Angeles Clippers (hey, they are the life-long underdog).

not the lakers.

stress

This week, I feel like I have been affected by my stressors physically and mentally. There are a few things which has been wearing me out and I'm trying to hang in there. I know everything would eventually be okay (what wouldn't) but I can't deny the fact that I'm not feeling well. I have problems sleeping sometimes, I lose quite a bit of my appetite and of course the sure weird feeling I have when my anxiety is eating me inside (like butterflies in the stomach, but the poisonous kind).

I find out that i don't want to talk much about it and I feel helpless. I obviously cannot control a lot of external forces but it is bad that I'm internalizing all the crap.

Like the Staples' commercial, I wish life has an "easy button".


o god, fuck that shit.


Listening to Elliott Smith kind of makes me worse.

Age is just a three-letter word?

Ageism.

Prejudice and oppression existed against old people (hmm, "“seniors", I mean) in our society. Stereotypes like slow, senile, weak are often associated with elderly people.

On the other side of the spectrum, young people could be treated unfairly because of their age, too.

At the age of 24, I feel I don'’t get respect from some people just because I am young (relatively speaking). People probably won'’t admit it, so I guess it is easier to find some other excuses to cast their doubts on me. Growing up in my own culture whereas seniority is highly valued, I always felt it was easy to dismiss because I was a kid or I was just young.

Things aren'’t that radically different in America. My relatively young age let some to easily conclude that I don't really know much about anything. Like I just said, people probably made some other excuses rather than being outright ageist (same dynamic with any other forms of oppression). It's easier to pick on me for talking funny, looking funny or acting funny.

Yeah, even though I'’m the one who'’s in the position of power. Possibly, people feel more difficult to listen to someone half their age.

Hey, I don't even want to be in charge. But some assholes just keep making life difficult for me. (At the same time, I'm grateful for the faith and trust of those who know me.)

Keep dissing me as long as you like. I'’ll let my actions speak for me. Frankly, people's biases and prejudices stem from their own insecurities and its roots has nothing to do with me.

Your stupidity will be the fuel of my motivation.

Brigitte Bardot should be stuffed with French bread

Brigitte Bardot recently went to Canada and "pleaded" the Canadiens to stop seal hunting.

"How can we continue to kill seals in a rich country like Canada... I am not crazy... I am pleading with you," said Bardot.

No, ma'am. You are actually CRAZY. Rich and famous people like you are entitled to your own opinion. More so, you are also entitled to shut the fuck up. It's one thing to have an opinion, but it is another thing when you are trying to impose your self-righteous values to other people.

"This will likely be my last visit to Canada before I die. I want to see this barbaric massacre stopped before then," she said.

This should be my last time listening to your bullshit before you die. Your anti-muslim (Islamization of France?) and anti-gay (fairground freaks?) comments gives you a lot of respect in public speaking, right? I found it so amusing sometimes when people can advocate so hard for animals while being a total ass to their fellow Homo Sapiens. Maybe it said "Homo", that's why Bardot didn't like us. I bet she's the MORE than human, isn't she? She's SO IN TUNE with the seals and nature. I'm sure they won't bite her head off because her meat is too soggy to chew on. What's the next news header? "Brigitte Bardot pleaded that lions should stop killing Hyenas."

I am not against Animal Rights. I'm just against the barbaric "animalization" of human beings (of the "humanization" of animals). I'm disgusted by the snobbery and smugness of the self-absorbed ones. Of course, nobody (including myself) is immune to that, but some people's heads tend to get bigger than others'.

"Crash" is racist, says Francisco Lo

I saw “Crash” tonight with my friend Joe at the Angelica tonight. Supposedly, this is “The Movie of the year” according to the Oscars. Edgy thought-provoking racism-talking film, right? Sorry to say, but I think it isn’t that great. In some aspects, it can pretty bad.

Some of the characters in the movie are over-the-top racist. White people just don’t say it out loud about being racist. Maybe some do, but the truth is racism is more under the skin. Much of the conversation in the movie lacks subtlety. Brandon Frazer’s employee said shit like “damn black people and pointed out “stats” about black people and jail. Are you kidding me? A white person with slightly little sense of political correctness will not say that crap in front of a black person (you don’t even have to be culturally sensitive at all). Some people may think that way, but most people don’t think OUT LOUD.

Ludacris’ character was pretty half-baked. One minute he was talking about why that white women shouldn’t be afraid to see black guys like him. As he finished his sentence, he just pulled out a gun and carjacked her. The writers may try to make him as a “young intelligent black man who made some bad choices”, but the only impression I get is he’s full of crap.

Ironically, I think the movie itself is quite racist. Matt Dillion was this racist cop that violated an innocent couple because they are black. Thirty minutes down the movie, he is the fucking hero saving the same woman whom he molested. Stop feeding me with the shit about him being racist because he thought minorities ripped his dad’s chances. That’s just minimizing the complexity of racism. On the other hand, Ryan Phillippe tried very hard not to let racism come into his work. Yet he ended up killing a black man out of fear. Okay, so the racist cop is the hero and the trying-not-to-be racist rookie ended up as the bad guy. No wonder Matt Dillion gets a Oscar nomination. There are not many chances that stupid “liberal” Hollywood gets to honor a racist hero. Not since “Birth Of A Nation”.

The storyline between the Iranian and the Mexican locksmith was pretty laughable and cliché. I have to go jihad on that. What about the Chinaman? Man, why didn’t Ludaric just leave that Ching Chong under his truck and drag that motherfucker down three more blocks. Maybe it’ll be more entertaining. (Sandra Bullock’s falling down the stairs totally cracked me up.)

Much of the dialogue and some of the characters are just not real enough, yet the movie desperately trying to be REAL. And that is the real problem with the movie. It is okay to be over-the-top sometimes as long as you don't try to portray it as the "real thing". The two scenes with Terence Howard are the only parts of the movie I like. His character showed more complexity and his story was more down to earth. Besides, I’m very impressed by his acting. However, Crash is too ambitious and the amount of subplots diluted the remaining strengths of the movie.

I have to say, Crash is a poser. People can feel good about watching it and think they recognized racism today. But the real world is a lot of complex and subtle than the movie. Crash made racism so cool, it made me want to be racist.


(Was the snow at the end supposed to be a symbol of white power?)

The "Hard" Life

As a domestic violence and sexual assault counselor, people always ask me about the difficulty of handling the job and my own well-being. Yes, the work can be pretty tough, but I think I handle my work pretty well (so far). What gives me headaches seems to be my life outside of my job.

I feel fulfilled through working even though it can be quite tiring. Things are in place and I know what I need to do, and how to do it. However, after a long day of work, I arrived home feeling lost and confused. I'm stumbled on the most mundane things in my daily life-- keeping my place tidy, finding what to eat, taking care of my own bills and responsibility. Those things seem simple, but I feel so unmotivated completing them. And moreover, sometimes I feel pretty purposeless.

March 16 was a beginning of new things

March 16, I started my new job, or new position, I should say.

There is nothing radically different in terms of what I do, but a change is a change. It is fortunate that I'm still around the people I'm familiar with. I can see that this job will be more fulfilling for me personally and professionally (not monetary). I know my new boss since I was an intern and I'm glad to work under her since she's very supportive and knows what I do (counseling). On the other hand, I see a lot of challenges ahead of me, but I am looking forward to overcome them. I think this will be a definitive moment for me as a counselor.

March 16, my friend Lisa gave birth to the very healthy Gabrielle. Happy Birthday! I found it so amazing because I was working with Lisa everyday during the past 7 or 8 months and I became a witness of this inspiring process.

Everyday, new lives are born. Everyday, many die and decay. Everyday, there is an end to a story. But everyday, there is also a new beginning for a new story. The cycle never ends. It may sound unbearably hopeless, but it can also make people feel forever hopeful.

laundry robbery

some sick fuck stole all my clothes from the dryer (underwear, socks, bed sheets).

I'm furious.

Somewhere, some mothefucker is wearing my underwear. This is disturbing.

I wish his dickhead burns in flames.